Thursday, September 14, 2006

Increasing The Number of Interesting Situations You Face: A Guide

If your life is something like mine, you tend to get bored by the day-to-day routine of it all. You get along with your friends, neighbors, workmates, law-enforcement officers, and so on. I've been thinking about this for a few hours today, and I've decided to once again offer advice to my vast readership. The key, I think, is to increase the number of interesting situations you face, and I've compiled a three step guide to make this number skyrocket. Here we go.

Step 1: Insult people you are close to a little bit more often. However, be sure that your insult can be interpreted in a less insulting way, as this will provide you with an out should you want to use it. For example, you could say to your boss "You smell like burnt tires." Do not say "You smell like burnt tires, which I, like the vast majority of the population, find offensive." The first statement provides a way out. If he threatens to fire you, you simply say (with a sly grin) "But I enjoy the smell of burnt tires!" Situation diffused.

Step 2: Lie about trivial things. Like the time, or the weather. Or whether or not the elevator is working today. People will have no idea what's motivating you to do such things, so this will more than likely make for interesting confrontations. Remember the sly grin.

Step 3: Make liberal use of the following phrases:
  • "Although I don't agree with his views, the methods Ted Kaczynski used were certainly admirable."
  • "I find it hard to believe that metaphysical naturalism can completely account for consciousness."
  • "Yes, as a matter of fact I am carrying a bomb. It's in my backpack."
Warning: This guide remains untested, I just thought this stuff up this morning. Please let me know how it works out for you.


Update: I've added a Step 4: Start diagnosing people with fatal conditions. They don't actually need to have the fatal condition though, that's what makes it so interesting!


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